Love and Sex

This encounter goes back about two months; it was a discussion I had with my roommate about love; or, rather, the holiday of love, Valentine's Day. My roommate, who spent all his life in America, had what I tend to see as the 'typical male American's view' of days like Valentine's Day and its associates, such as anniversaries and whatnot. He generally did not care about them -- he made it clear to me that it wasn't just because he was single on Valentine's Day this year, but just in general he didn't 'give a damn' about pointless days like Valentine's Day or anniversaries. Although, being single, I wholeheartedly agreed about not caring about Valentine's Day, my reason was the complete opposite of my roommates: I disliked Valentine's Day because, every year around this time, I was single. Asians, or at least Koreans, in general have a love-hate relationship with days like Valentine's Day. It is a general understanding that men who are spoken for on Valentine's Day MUST make it special for their girlfriends, or expect all hell to break loose. Likewise, Koreans also have absolutely ridiculous 'holidays' pertaining to relationships -- 100 day anniversary, x^th month anniversary, x^th year anniversary, White Day, Pepero Day, etc. etc. Many of these days are culturally embedded in the Korean way of life. Heavily influenced by Confucianism, the Korean culture heavily emphasizes filial duty, friendship, and loyalty to one's lover. This is readily apparent in the multitude of Korean pop culture; countless songs, shows (commonly referred to as 'dramas' in Korea), and novels -- both classical and recent -- speak of love. And not just any kind of love, but the 'unending, eternal love for a single girl/guy' or its opposite, the 'unbearable heartbreak' that follows when such relationships come to an end.

As I explained the importance that Koreans, and East Asians in general if I am not mistaken, on such relationship-based days, my roommate ridiculed such an obsession with relationships. Admittedly, most Koreans do know that many of these so-called 'lover's holidays' are perpetuated by commercial industries in an attempt to make a few quick bucks, but as far as lovers are concerned in Korea, another opportunity to display of their love to their significant other is all that matters.

Meanwhile, the American culture of sexual promiscuity, especially during one's late-teen/early-twenties, heavily contrasts with the Korean 'ideal' concept of saving sex until marriage, or at least only doing it with those you 'love.' While hook-ups are not unheard of in Korea -- after all, the nightlife in Korea is a great attraction for many Korean citizens -- they are not as common as they are in America. Remaining virgins well into one's twenties is not unheard of in Korea -- rather, it's a social norm, although those who do have sex earlier on is not treated as a social deviant. Both are accepted, although the 'ideal' would be to only have sex with those you love, thus reducing the number of lovers one has accrued prior to marriage.

While America seems to emphasize sexual promiscuity and experimenting (MTV anyone?), Korean pop culture places heavy emphasis on love, although sexual promiscuity does have its place with a certain demographic in Korea (namely the club-hopping playboys/beauties). Such different approaches to sex have, of course, led to different attitudes toward love as a whole, and towards holidays involving love. At the end of the night, especially on Valentine's Day, American couples are expecting nothing but sex; meanwhile, the Korean couple do not necessarily have sex in mind; rather, they see the holiday as a means to display their love and devotion to their significant other, which can then in turn be used as bragging rights to one's friends.

Such differences in approach to love and sex stem from differing ideals that serve as a basis for the culture -- the West and its Greco-Roman influence versus the Far East and its Confucian influence. In fact, had it not been for heavy western influence on Korea in the latter half of the 20th century, who knows how different Korea's approach to love and sexual promiscuity might be?

Honorifics

A cultural encounter I had recently involves members from a Korean church I attend in Rhode Island. Most of the church-goers are students from Brown or RISD, but most of them have lived in Korea their whole lives. Of course, their English is very good, but they all speak Korean, because that is what they are most comfortable with. As such, I also speak Korean with the church members. And all the church members are older than me which, in Korean culture, plays a significant role in the interaction between myself and others. Although it is customary in the Korean culture to use honorifics to speak to people you have just met -- this, of course, only applies once you are considered an 'adult' or at least appear old enough to those you interact with that your age isn't guessable -- once they find out that I am younger, it is considered polite for them to continue to use honorifics when speaking to me, while it is culturally demanded that I use honorifics when speaking to them. However, if the other person is older than me -- meaning everyone else in the church -- it is not at all rude for them to speak to me while dropping the honorifics -- that is, in a more casual manner.

While being driven home by one of the 'hyeong's at the church -- a term a male uses to address males older than him, yet young enough to not merit the title 'ajeossi,' a term that generally refers to males significantly older than you -- we got into a conversation about the mannerisms of Korean-Americans, and of the lack of 'respect' -- that is, the use of honorifics when addressing those older than you. In Korea, if someone is older than you -- be it a year or ten years, as long as they were born in a year before your birth year -- it is demanded that you use honorifics to address the other person unless you two were very close, and even then some degree of respect is expected. However, when I told the hyeong of how even those four, five years younger than me spoke to me without the use of honorifics when conversing in Korean, he seemed annoyed, to say the least. Such is the Korean culture of seniority and respecting one's elders; in fact, it is quite common for impudent high school students who don't show proper respect to their 'seonbae's -- a term meaning one's senior in an organization such as a school, the army, or companies -- to get beaten up. When the hyeong heard my tales of not only the disregard the Korean-Americans showed towards the Korean tradition of respect to one's seonbae, but of how they scoffed at the idea of having to use honorifics to those that weren't significantly older than them, he seemed very, very annoyed. He laughed it off, saying that it couldn't be helped because most of the Korean-Americans who behaved in that manner spent most of their lives in America, and weren't accustomed to the harsh punishments and criticisms that followed such disregard for this particular cultural practice.

It was interesting to see this issue from a middle-ground, as I so often do with Korean-American vs. Korean Korean conflicts. As an immigrant who came to the States at the age of seven, I have retained a large degree of my cultural heritage, and through constant interactions with Korean Koreans, I have not only a solid understanding of the cultural practices of Koreans from Korea, but I also practice them myself. While my Korean-Americans may disregard the cultural practices they see as cumbersome, trumpeting "We are now in America!", I disagree, and intend to follow as many traditions as possible without letting it interfere too much with my 'Americanized' way of life. However, I can see why Korean-Americans would want to abandon the use of honorifics when addressing their peers; it is a very hierarchical thing, a system meant to assert one's dominance over another, a privilege that is often abused for selfish gains. By coming to America, the immigrant Koreans hope to abolish the system of allowing others to dominate them, of giving respect even to those who do not deserve it. To quote a Korean-American friend back home, "In America, for us Korean-Americans, it doesn't matter what your age is or whatnot. If you want respect, you're gonna have to earn it."